Solar panels power children’s novelty mall ride

Posted: 3rd September 2010 by admin in Activism, General Envirocomedy, Solar
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As green technology has advanced throughout the decades, there have been many groundbreaking achievements and examples that mankind is moving towards a future that is no longer dominated by conventional fuel sources. One such example was on display Sunday, when Johnsonville retail outlet at the crossroads of Bringham and Astor powered a children’s novelty mall ride for over an hour using nothing but the sun for energy. Onlookers stood and marveled as the ride buzzed and blinked and went up and down — as though it were plugged into a normal power outlet — yet amazingly, it was powered by a large solar panel grid on top of the building until it got cloudy out and the ride had to be shut down for the day.

Greenpeace called the event “momentous”; former Rage Against the Machine frontman Zach De La Rocha dubbed it “the deathblow to the capitalist regeme” and Al Gore fired hundreds of mexican firecrackers off the bow of his yacht in celebration. “Sure it’s just an hour right now,” Gore was quoted as saying, “but imagine in the future. Two hours, maybe even three hours is not out of the question!”
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The Tycoon Games That Time Forgot

Posted: 23rd June 2010 by admin in General Envirocomedy
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Desert Tycoon

One of the least remembered of the Tycoon games (Rollercoaster Tycoon, Transport Tycoon), Desert Tycoon cast you as the president and CEO of a burgeoning desert. While this doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, the game, like most Tycoon games, revolves around expanding and improving your “business”. Most of the gameplay involves mercilessly encroaching your desert into areas such as tropical rainforests, the crops of subsistence farmers and wildlife reserves. Points are gathered as your desert absorbs things of value like endangered species, cities and significant landmarks, which along with a “starvation meter” determines how successful your desert is.

Players complained not only about the depressing nature of the game, but also about the strange flashing alerts that popped up periodically telling players to “ENCROACH”, “ERODE” or “STARVE” accompanied by a loud voice screaming the commands at you. This then brought up a mini game in which the players had to click the mouse furiously, sometimes for up to 15 minutes at a time. If you completed the mini game successfully it would reward you with a soul-crushingly morose video of starving children crying, or an animal slowly dying of heat exhaustion, accompanied by the late Dennis Hopper (who mysteriously signed onto this project) laughing and smoking a cigar.

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Marijuana and Green Advocacy Linked, Says New Research

Posted: 17th June 2010 by admin in Activism, Climate Change/Global Warming, General Envirocomedy
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While many have suspected a link for decades, there has never been a comprehensive study that examined the connection between the smoking of marijuana and the propensity to become an environmental activist. Until now.

The Jargon Research Institute has just completed a study that has uncovered the correlation between smoking marijuana and being environmentally progressive. According to the research, the chemical components of marijuana, when administered to lab rats, produced not only the typical effects associated with marijuana (hunger, sleepiness, Pavlovian anger response when shown an image of George W. Bush), but also a heightened sense of concern and compassion regarding nature.

Lab rats that were administered one dose of marijuana (comparable to a “toke” from a “joint”) began to prefer lawn grass to the wood chips they normally have in their cages. After four doses of marijuana, comparable to a “full chamber hit” from a “water bong”, the lab rats completely abandoned the exercise wheel in favor of slowly examining plants and trees and using body language as if to say “We’re all one with nature, man. We’re all one ecosystem, everything is connected.” After 6 doses of marijuana — equivalent to sucking back an entire vaporizer filled with high-end Purple Fever BC chronic — the lab rats became hypnotized by an optical illusion college dorm poster and passed out in a large pile of wood chips. Read the rest of this entry »

BP Spills Oil…err Coffee

Posted: 17th June 2010 by admin in Environmental disasters
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If this is how they deal will coffee, imagine if they ever had a huge catastrophic spill at one of their rigs, in let’s say, I don’t know, the Gulf?

Politicians and Trophy Wives Not Ideal Parents, Study Suggests

Posted: 8th June 2010 by admin in Uncategorized
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A nearly 25 year study has concluded that children raised in households with politicians on their third trophy wife were psychologically less adjusted and had more behavioral problems than children raised in normal households, lesbian households and even children raised by wolves.

The study, published Monday in the journal Things That Surprise Red States, followed 191 politicians and the offspring they were aware of, who were conceived by either their third trophy wives, secret mistresses, assistants or summer interns. The study assessed their children’s well-being through a series of questionnaires, interviews and blinking contests.

Already proving to be quite controversial, Dr. Laura Patrelli, author of the study, claims, “this is a straightforward statistical analysis. It will stand and has withstood rigorous peer reviews.”

Chrissy Maxwell, president of the Concerned Women Who Graduated From Law School But Chose To Be Housewives And Get By On Their Looks Of America — a group that supports, the bible, family values and weekly spa facials — questioned the legitimacy of the findings from a study funded by non elitists and probably pro gay and wolf pack advocacy groups.
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Ontario Government Running Low On New Ideas To Screw Over Taxpayers

Posted: 1st June 2010 by admin in Uncategorized
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The Ontario government recently admitted that they are running low on new ideas for how to screw taxpayers out of their money, while still making them feel good about getting screwed. A representative for the government told us, “we’re at the bottom of the barrel right now, 4th and long, penalty shot in overtime. We need something big, and soon. We’re looking for the Gordon Bombay triple-deke of screw overs.” The government rep then went on to explain that despite their current snag, the Ontario government had nothing but praise for Global Warming and the Green movement saying:

Yeah, thank God for the whole climate change thingy. That was a big cash cow for us and couldn’t have come at a better time. I mean, remember that eHealth debacle? Yeeesh. With climate change we were able to redeem ourselves and siphon gratuitous amounts of taxpayer money, and in the end, the people of Ontario felt pretty darn good about it. Any government can screw over people, but making them feel good about it and have them continually vote for you at the polls, that’s an art. People felt so guilty about supposedly ruining the planet, emissions, and carbon footprints, that we were able to pile on subsidy after subsidy for new green energy and blame the whole thing on coal. I can vividly recall the night George and Dalton were at Jack Astors — it’s Dalton’s favorite place, the guy goes mental over being able to draw on the tables — and over a plate of Ultimate Nachos, they came up with the Green Energy Act and the whole Feed-in Tariff program. It was the perfect combination of Molson Export, mozzarella and sticky fingers that created the ideal atmosphere for a brainstorming session. When they explained it to me, all I could think was, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching.

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Westboro Baptist Church Passes PETA as Biggest Attention Whore Group in the US

Posted: 28th May 2010 by admin in Uncategorized
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“Thank God for British Petroleum” reads a placard held by one of the parishioners of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church, the group that has captured headlines around the US for its picketing the funerals of soldiers, as well as people who they believe to be working against the will of God. The Church, led by pastor Fred Phelps, has used brazen displays such as these to showcase their hatred for homosexuals and other religions, and believe the negative things that happen to the United States are brought upon the country by God due to its tolerance of gay people. Recently, the WBC has descended upon Longwood Beach, Florida, which has recently been covered in oil due to the British Petroleum oil leak, and have organized multiple protests to thank God for blighting the United States with oily beaches.
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“Doing good things makes you feel good”, says perceptive ecologist

Posted: 26th May 2010 by admin in Climate Change/Global Warming, Eco-tips
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According to some ecologists, there is a growing belief that conservation is not just good for the planet but many also benefit and bring pleasure to humans by doing good things.

Undoubtedly, saving the planet from environmental catastrophe is very important, but one reason many people are not doing their part could be because – much like going through the process of having a teenage girl try to explain the greatness of Twilight to you — while chomping on her gum and texting three of her friends all at once, about how ZOMG! Brad didn’t even look at her when he walked by in the cafeteria today because he’s moved on to some new hussy, who’s “older” and “more mature”, whatever that means — it just doesn’t sound like that much fun.

Activists have frequently told us that things like driving cars, eating red meat and jetting off overseas on holidays should be cut down or eliminated because of their hefty carbon footprints. The only problem being, in a recent survey of 5,000 North American men’s bucket lists, the top three things men want to do most before dying is: drive cars, eat red meat and jet off overseas.
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Famous musicians get together to produce vague ‘Save the Earth’ Charity Single

Posted: 21st May 2010 by admin in Activism, Canada, Climate Change/Global Warming
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In an attempt to raise money for “the world and everything in it”, famous musicians from around the globe have joined together to create a charity single that “will blow the doors off of the environment” and “get everyone involved in the global environmental conversation” as well as other hackneyed sayings that get bandied about every time some stupid charity single is released. The song will be called A Ballad for Mother Nature, and will feature contributions from esteemed artists such as Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, Bono from U2, Justin Bieber and those two black dudes who made the song “Whoomp There It Is” back in the 90s, among others.
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BREAKING NEWS: Premier McGuinty Checks Into Subsidy Abuse Clinic

Posted: 20th May 2010 by admin in Ontario Government
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QUEENS PARK – At a press conference early this morning the province of Ontario was dealt a shocking surprise as Premier Dalton McGuinty stepped to the mic and publicly revealed that for years he has been battling subsidy addiction.

With tears in his eyes and a head hung low, the Premier apologized to his friends, family and the tax payers of Ontario – assuring them that he is taking the necessary steps to resolve this addiction and would be checking himself into a subsidy abuse rehabilitation center immediately following the conclusion of press conference.

During his speech, McGuinty revealed that, “the subsidy addiction got so bad that I started fooling myself into thinking I was helping people, when all I was doing was hurting them.” He went on to add that, “I take full responsibility for my actions and I know that if I truly want to help people, I have to help myself.”
For some, the news of Mcguinty’s subsidy addiction came as a surprise, but for those who knew him well, the Premier’s revelation came as no surprise and his addiction was widely regarded as the worst attempt to keep a secret in Canada. McGuinty’s former assistant Vanessa Winsten was one such person, saying “the writing wasn’t just on the wall, it was plastered with neon arrows pointing at it.”

“in all the time I was with him, he never met a subsidy he didn’t like.”

“I would accompany him to what he thought were shady, low-key locations free from the eyes of the press – Tim Hortons. While there, he would meet up with and look over subsidies he wanted to pursue”, says Winsten. Adding, “in all the time I was with him, he never met a subsidy he didn’t like. His appetite was insatiable.” Read the rest of this entry »

Ghost of George W. Bush Haunting Obama’s Green Energy Policy

Posted: 18th May 2010 by admin in Uncategorized
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As the world slowly turns from lovely and temperate into a super hot pressure cooker that is gradually braising the brisket of humanity, the United States Government has been lax in creating legislation that would curb this dangerous temperature escalation. Up until this point, many pundits and experts have been confused as to why Obama, who ran on a platform of more green energy, would sit on his hands for so long on this matter. The latest reports from sources within the White House are that the energy policy of the current administration is being haunted by the ghost of the not-yet-deceased George W. Bush, which is leading to slow progress, lack of innovation and dearth of funding.
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The British Petroleum Saga, pt. 1

Posted: 13th May 2010 by admin in Uncategorized
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Population In Jeopardy, China Could Face Extinction by 2025

Posted: 12th May 2010 by admin in Society
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China is facing a devastating tribulation as population rapidly declines.

BEIJING CHINA – Government officials and heads of state were dealt a heavy blow earlier this week as they discovered that China’s population is facing a rapid decline and may be heading towards extinction. China’s has held the title of the world’s most populated country for over a decade. Currently they have 1,337,450,000 people living in China, which represents almost 20% of the world’s total population. Many are left baffled at the revelation of this recent news and are eager to know just what is causing such a catastrophic decrease in China’s population. Lucky for them, the answer may have already been discovered.

Upon receiving the news about the decline, Chinese leaders dispersed their best scientists and mathletes in an attempt to discover what was causing this decline. According to their latest reports, traditional Chinese medicine is the cause and root of the population decline and possible extinction of the Chinese people.

Because of the China’s unwavering belief in traditional Chinese medicine – which includes herbal medicine, acupuncture and dietary therapy – and the controversial ingredients from endangered species used in the medicinal remedies, the Chinese population is directly being effected and could be wiped of the face of the earth. Read the rest of this entry »

Lifestyles Of The Super Rich and Eco-Conscious

Posted: 11th May 2010 by admin in Climate Change/Global Warming
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A young British designer named Alister Callender has created a design for what could be the world’s first zero-carbon super-yacht. The £40m ($60 million USdollars) design will cater specifically to eco-pretentious billionaires hoping to offset the carbon footprint created by their palatial mansions and G4 aircraft.

The interior of the vessel will boast all the usual amenities potential buyers have come to expect: leather furniture made from sacred Hindu cows, Plasma televisions in every room and champagne fridges to keep Sheikhs and elected officials hydrated while on the high seas. But it’s not what’s inside this yacht that sets it apart from other energy hogging super-boats.

Callender’s design is the first of its kind to use a new form of technology and propulsion system that will harness the power of the wind. Using the wind as a source of propulsion was an idea briefly tinkered with in antiquity but never came to fruition; due to engineers and designers being burned at the stake by monarchs who believed they were wizards and considered the wind to be the devil’s breath. Instead of using typical and more energy-intensive aluminum for the construction of the hull, Callender has opted to construct it from sustainable timber. Read the rest of this entry »

Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill Warning Signs

Posted: 10th May 2010 by admin in Environmental disasters, General Envirocomedy
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The One Question Every Ontarian Will Have About Their Smart Meter

Posted: 10th May 2010 by admin in Web Comic
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Historians Attempt to Discern Validity of Medieval Warming Period using Ancient Scrolls

Posted: 5th May 2010 by admin in Uncategorized
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Climate historians have been pouring over medieval scrolls for decades to determine that validity of what is known as the “Medieval Warming Period”, which is a topic of much controversy and debate. The reason that the Medieval Warming Period (MWP) is such a controversial topic is because some would argue that it is evidence against anthropogenic global warming, also known as man-made global warming. Unfortunately for historians, this means dredging through large swaths of otherwise irrelevant material in an attempt to find actual information, much of the material dealing with the inane social lives of the literate upper class.

“Ond thoth the chamerewenche dyd spill my chalyce fylled withe the wine from fair Frankish vyneyards. She was beaten on her handes wyth a large woodyn club for her mystake.” Said one totally unimportant journal entry from a medieval Worcester lord, who was apparently a huge asshole.
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Nations Push For Ice-Free Arctic By 2020

Posted: 3rd May 2010 by admin in Climate Change/Global Warming
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Officials from numerous northern nations have recently given preliminary approval for a plan that will eliminate all the ice in the arctic by the year 2020. The nations involved are facing struggling economies trying to recover from last years recession and many saw their fishing industry hit hardest. With current arctic ice levels it has become increasingly difficult for fishing fleets to gain access to spots where large amounts of fish, crab and seals are located.

Dale Gaimen owns a fleet of four arctic fishing vessels: The Master Baiter, The Incredible Hull, Pier Pressure and the flagship of the fleet, The Brown Floaty. Gaimen believes that this plan could be a real boon for the arctic fishing industry. “The way things are right now, the fish are getting smarter, they know where to hide and are relocating to areas where the ice is just too thick for our boats to get to.” Gaimen adds, “most of the time we have to resort to cutting a tiny hole in the ice and just sitting there for hours hoping to get a nibble. If we can gradually phase out the ice and just take it out of the equation, them fish wouldn’t have no where to hide and we could see a real rise in profits.” Read the rest of this entry »

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